Ponga Pandit

The day when I donned the attire of a pujari…..

I can envisage some raised eyebrows, head scratches, utter disbelief, and all varied expressions of bewilderment. After all a non-believer like me who never lets go of any opportunity of God bashing, acting as an agent of God?? Hehe…the incident always manages to bring a smile on my face (which given my Aloo ka paratha fiasco last week is a premium these days).

Being born in a Brahmin family is the worst thing a person can do to himself. Not only are you looked down upon by the political class, you have to also put up with all the idiosyncrasies of a typical Brahmin household. We have prayers, sermons, and religious taboos for the smallest of events! Unfortunately for my folks (and fortunately for me) I never took to the God-fearing ways.

Ahh…the irony of all

The event which unfolds below occurred while I was staying in Delhi. The landlord and his family used to stay a floor below. On a typically quite sunny day, nascent beginning to the summer season, the birds chirping which felt like sweet music to my ears….Ok ok, I will cut the crap.

I just lay on the cot, lost in some intellectual thoughts when suddenly the fat landlady barges in. Before I can even open my mouth, she drops in a bomb – “Beta, I want puja to be performed for the well being of family”. So, I wondered? She continued her rambling – “and as the temple pujari has gone to his village, can you please conduct the puja for us?” Stunned for a moment, I stuttered “I, I …" looking around for an excuse to get out of the situation. Finally managed to conjure up some lousy excuse about not being the religious types and not conversant with all the ceremonies. But you know how women are. She pressed on with her demand until I finally agreed (only to get rid of her) on the assurance that she will be guiding me throughout. Other than religious blasphemy I didn’t for see much danger. Given my skirmishes with GOD I could take that bit of a risk.

So next day morning, attired in a neat kurta pajama your sham pujari makes his way to the fatso’s place. A peep inside and I froze at the door. The first signs of danger were in front of me. I had been expecting an audience of 3-4. But lo and behold!! I was staring at some 15 fat housewives looking expectantly towards me to wash them of their sins (Pun intended). I had the utmost urge (sixth sense??) to turn back and it was only some forceful dragging by the bitch…I mean fatso…that got me inside.

Regaining my composure I took my designated seat (with 15 eyeballs following every movement of mine). Now it was my turn to expectantly look at the Fatso. She smiled. I smiled. She smiled again. I smiled again. She smiles again. Something was amiss. I smiled harder with a ‘what next’ look. She keeps smiling. I was increasingly becoming desperate. Suddenly realization dawned on her. Relief dawned on me. She spoke up – “Since you are the Pandit, you know better. Please guide us”.

Shell-shocked! Speechless! Do I need to tell who?

Momentarily I had a feeling of a trapped animal. Not even in my wildest dreams had I imagined being caught up in even a vividly similar situation. Desperate thoughts came to my mind to somehow escape this ridiculous situation I found myself in. I was even toying with ideas such as using the oil lamp to set something on fire, or even feigning a heart attack. Man this lady had me in a real soup. It was as if someone had poured vinegar down my throat!!

But then…

The devil in me raised its head. It was as if I suddenly achieved enlightenment. The path ahead was lit up for me. I thought. Why not give it back to Fatso? What she had done needed an equal measure of response. If she is pouring the vinegar down my throat why not throw up on her? She wants a Puja, let her have a puja….the non-believer way. What if I don’t know all the rituals & prayers? I can always make some up ;).

And so I began the mumbo jumbo…an unholy cocktail of prayers & rituals. Intertwined with curses & abuses. Who says we can remix only music!! Definitely the fatso will not derive any divine benefits from the exercise. As for me - I enjoyed the creative license given to me by the absurd situation. Hum to hamesha se bahot creative rahe hai….

Life is good.

Signing off,

“Paakhandi Pandit” Shubham