The Making of a Villain

It suddenly struck me like a bolt of lightening. And ever since, I have been having this uneasy feeling about me.

You see, last week it dawned on me that I was lacking an ambition in life. I recall blurting out some insipid answers in my MBA entrance as well job interviews. But those were on the spur of the moment/crammed up/ambiguous answers. I still remember the MBA entrance interview. On being asked about my reason for going for an MBA, I coolly stated that "I wanted to start a chess academy". The shocked interviewer nearly fell out of her chair. But you see an essential for an MBA aspirant is being a gyaan guru and a good googler :). Gyaan after gyaan until the interviewer resigned herself to the fact that I was half mad and it was better to admit me then to let me inflict misery on someone else. My job interview answer was ah...I think we can leave it for some other time.

After all these hit and run cases in interviews I never had a guilt feeling. But last week was different. This time it felt like a churn from within about this lack of direction. There was something that was burning my insides. It seemed like a desire for the ultimate moksha.

Alright alright..stop sniggering. I know I am exaggerating. Nothing of this voice from within kinda stuff. Most likely I had again fallen from my bed. One more time and I will...I will..er start sleeping on the floor.



Armed with a bump on my head I had the urge to go to pee. Er......I think the aftereffects of last week's fall are still there. Armed with a bump on the head and the resultant dazzled thought process I had this urge to identify what I wanted to do in life. So I set about preparing a checklist of my itemized life as well as where I stood.

1. Family: Just about matching up to their expectations
2. Love life: Currently enjoying before marriage ends all love
3. Friends: Get lost buggers
4. Society: I am God's gift to mankind
5. Career: ?????


So you see my portfolio of life was complete except for one glaring gap. I had still not been able to identify my career goal. I was determined to plug in this gap. Trusting my googling skills to help find my final destination, or atleast an interim one, I set about my task.

I shortlisted the following promising goals:

1. Become CEO of an organization
2. Become a cricketer
3. Become an actor


Results of my detailed analysis:

1. Become CEO of an organization

Now being a CEO seemed cool enough. I could imagine myself donning an Armani and striding into the board meeting with a purposeful gait. Declaring another successful financial year and acknowledging the resultant applause seemed to be my kinda job. I delved in further. A study revealed that most CEOs suffer from health problems because of the stressful life. Ah, I thought, I am a tougher nut to crack. Further the study said that CEOs tend to get along with staff(thats easy..I would tell the staff to get along with me or else get fired), good with financial numbers(easy!), work alcoholics(easy!), wake up at 5 am(easy.....). Wait a minute!! Waking up at 5 am is criminal offense punishable with death penalty(ok ok.. I made that up).

No further thought required to strike out this goal.

2. Become a cricketer

Struck out because of same reason as above.

3. Become an actor

This seemed like perfect for me. I mean a handsome hunk like me would be a sure shot hit with the masses and the classes. I would have girls swooning like anything.

Enthusiastically I broke the news to my friends. Peels of laughter greeted my announcement. Enraged I began to look around for bat to bash them all. In middle to this ruckus a friend sympathetically said I could try for a comedian's role. Needless to say he was the first to be sent flying out of the house. Mouthing a barrage of obscenities I chased the louts(not calling them friends anymore) until the street end. With rage in my eyes I turned.

And then it happened. Eureka!! eureka!! In one stroke of moment I had unraveled my calling.My recent performance would have any Mogambo, Shakaal or Gabbar trembling. Bollywood was calling me(Hollywood does not have any rape scenes).

That day a villain wannabe was unleashed.


Signing off,
Shubham

P.S.: You may want to have my autograph

We are the Champs!!

Open Letter to Hayden & Symonds

Dear Hayden & Symonds,

First of all loads of thanks from all of us in India.

Surprised!!

I bet so. After all thats been happening on the Indian cricket team's tour to Australia you would have least expected adulation from an ardent fan of the Indian team. But your highness, I wish to offer you gratitude from the depths of my heart . For over the past few days you have been going out of your way to make the game of cricket more interesting for us fans. Albeit your methods have been crude(typical Aussie-like), but the effect has been effective to say the least.

Haydenji your contribution to the cause of cricket will be well and truly remembered for a long time to come. Your boxing invitation to the kiddo Ishant has opened up possibilities which were way beyond mediocre people like us. Who else could have thought of such a money spinner idea as this? Imagine Sachin vs Ponting slogging it out in the ring while it is broadcast to the world. We can even ask your man Bucknor to referee so that the fight can be more even. Though who would pay for the new dentures for Ponti is a thing that needs to be worked out. Sirji we are a poor country who can ill afford this expense.

Back to the kiddo Ishant. He has no right to damage the great Aussie reputation by knocking out half the Aussie team in no time. The boy has to be put in place. But sirji just be careful of the Indian deception. For it may happen that you are all geared up in the ring but lo and behold, instead of Ishant the surd Bhajji may jump into the ring. Sirji then you are a goner. For that surd is a real nutcracker(hopefully he will not touch your esteemed ones..or rather two). And I have heard that he is really mad at you for that ah...rather cute "obnoxious weed" comment. As a true well wisher of yours I would earnestly advice you to rather avoid the nasty situation.

Symonds sirji..please do not even think that I have forgotten you. You have been unfairly at the receiving end of lots of criticism. Please forgive all this as acts of ignorants. So what if you say a few kind words to Bhajji and Ishant. Those two crooks have no business to respond in kind. After all you are an Aussie.

And my lord as a measure of your kindheartedness please also forgive the inadvertent reference to your ancestors. Symonds paaji we Indians are totally against racial abuse. We are very religious people and worship monkeys. So how can you even think that we would degrade a thing which we worship by comparisons to you. Paaji for your reference we will shortly be sending you a list of all abuses which we can think up for you(signed by all Indian fans). So the next time you would be able to clearly understand that the abuses are directed to your current family and not to your ancestors.



Hope this letter alleviates the concerns of both of you,

An Indian Fan

Womania!!

Symptoms: Cash strapped, nerves jangled, pulling out hair in frustration, mentally exhausted???

Cause: All symptoms can be traced back to the one and only creature on earth who walks on two legs, talks non-stop garbage and does not have any brains.


Sounds familiar?
My male friends, you have just been struck with Womania, a deadly disease more potent than any other disease known to "mankind". Skeptical? Hard to believe? Come on man...death cant be worse than being slave to the whims and fancies of a creature who will make you dance to her tunes. Atleast in death you don't have to suffer everyday.

Whoever coined the term the "weaker sex" must surely be a nutter or might have found the term too ironical and become enamored with it. Weaker sex, my foot!!

Ever been faced with a stubborn girlfriend who refuses to budge even when she knows she is wrong (for people who read too much into things - No I havnt fought with my girl lately). Or ever been confronted with a barrage of tears and wailing, leading you towards your doom. Someone has rightly said "Tears are the tool which a woman uses to break a man's will"

Alternating between anger/crying/wailing/emotional blackmail, men are subjected to multiple weapons of mass destruction. Did Bushie say "Shock and Awe"!! Better get Osama to marry a woman. A woman in his life would have him and his cronies running helter skelter, more effectively than any American bombs can.

Back to the bigger terrorists then Osama. A woman in your life is a sure recipe for disaster. The method and the timing may vary, but the outcome is all too predictable. For once a women makes up her mind then nothing can halt the forthcoming destruction.

You know you must be out of your mind, but you still end up doing crazy things to please her. For nothing can move a woman's will - except perhaps diamond jewelery, expensive gifts and the classis candle light dinner. All of course guaranteed to burn a hole in your pocket, that is, if you are not stripped off your pants(my undies don't have pockets as I don't relish the thought of a hole being burnt through them).

Why can't women simply understand that men are rational creatures who can't understand that a "Yes" means a "No". No way!! depending on the time, the location and the mood, similar things have different meanings. Or men have more important things to remember then "the 2nd anniversary of our 6th meeting". Or the perennial classic complain from women "Men are more interested in cricket". Do we ever complain about you watching "Koffee with Karan" and the "Kyuki Saas bhi Kabhi Bahu thi"?? Its ok if you drool over a gayish anchor and cry with the bitching ladies, but a Sachin square cut is a pain in you a**(beep beep).

Someone has rightly said "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus". Being closer to the sun has surely addled their brain.

Will end before any female species decides to set her will against me.

Signing off,
Shubham

Shubham Bhai Professor!!

When an opportunity comes your way, grab it with both hands. That's exactly what I did last week...

You see for years I have been at the receiving end of the tyranny of professors. Year after year, lecture after lecture...they all drolled on...trying to stuff in more and more of the Pythogrus theorem, thermodynamics, balanced equations - which never seemed to balance for me... killing any semblance of life within me. All I ended up was with a numbed brain - from the mindboggling info, sore butts - from hours of of sitting on the back bench, sore ears - both from listening to the pointless drolling(atleast for me) and from being pulled hard because of ah...we can skip that part.

So you see that I had years of pent up emotions inside. A total of 18 precious years that this education system had taken away from me. So when the chance came to ventilate years of frustration I promised myself that I will make it count.

As part of my job I am supposed to conduct training session for new recruits. Since it was my first time(first time is always special ;)) I was determined to do justice to all my sufferings. All charged up and with a poise of a rhino braced for the kill, I entered the training room - trying to project myself as a no nonsense man. Reaching the front of the classroom I turned around and announced "Hello guys, I am Shubham and I will be your trainer today". Pausing to see the effect of my sudden entrance and the dramatic announcement I looked around.

Stunned faces and gawking eyes were visible throughout the room. People stared at me and whispered among themselves. This was totally unlike the grand impact I have envisaged. Agreed that I don't look like the academic type(cant help my good looks and the hip image) but still this is not what I expected from "my students". Man tell you this new generation have no values left in their system..this is no way to receive a faculty. The entire generation is rotten!!

Recovering quickly I blurted out "Er...I will be taking the training session today. We can probably begin with the introductions". That was the beginning the most hilarious round of introductions. Person after person introduced themselves as "Arun, Hyderabad Cognizant", "Priya, Kochi Cognizant", "Amit, Bangalore Cognizant". It crossed my mind to repeat to my pupil SRKs dialogue from the movie Chak De(for the uninitiated when the members of the girl's hockey team introduced themselves by their name and the states which they belong to, SRK boomed and stuttered "We..We ar..are representing In..India not the S..States"). SRK got away with claps and cheers but I dont think a similar remark would have been appreciated in the current environment. Satisfying myself with a sigh and eager to roll out my special preparation I let go of this moment.

And so it began. As presentations after presentations, slides and slides, gyaan after gyaan were dished out to the audience, I watched with sadistic pleasure the tell tale signs of the lecture having the desired impact. Heads began to droll and eyes began to have a dazed look about them. People kept changing they seating postures, I assume, or rather I am sure, to give relief to their by now sore butts. To make proceeding more enjoyable(only for myself) I began throwing questions, making sure that the target would be some poor guy whose eyelids were fluttering. The startled victim would blurt out some answer. But when a man is on a mission, nothing can stop him. Questions after questions until the resolve would finally break and the victim would hang his head in shame, or probably trying to avoid hurling abuse.

When I was finally finished pleading looks and near tearful eyes looked at me begging for mercy. But as they say a momentary outburst is not enough to alleviate the sufferings of a lifetime. Savoring the moment of triumph I gleefully thought of the next chance to ventilate my feelings. A thought crossed my mind - Bring them on.


As they say "Revenge is a dish best served cold"



Signing off for now
Shubham

Chennai Roundup

Hello....back again after a long long haitus...
Been busy with loads of work so neglected this blog.
But promise to again get it up and running.

Work in Chennai has been real hectic and demanding. Add to it the long work hours and a back breaking journey to and from office(situated in the city outskirts) and you get a perfect cocktail guaranteed to ensure unbridled misery. Man why do these IT companies have to operate far far away from civilization? Do they fear that the staff will get frustrated and run away? So as a preemptive step just take out any possibilities of anyone reaching the city without being half dead.

Seems like we are working in some secret laboratory building some super sonic missiles. The only missile I possibly foresee emerging from our office is me throwing one of those steel plates on the head of the canteen guys. A few more of his version of paneer butter masala and diamond chapatis and we would have a homicide in the canteen. We understand that too good a lunch would mean post lunch sleepy effect but still this is no way to treat people. All we get is the damned podi, dal ki-maki, gobi 65 karela 65 bhindi 65....man what the hell is this 65??? some diet plan the HR is enforcing on the employees? Wont be surprised if this is some idiotic HR conspiracy to cut costs and boost employ productivity. Simple. Give some darned food, people eat less, take less time to eat and obviously people cant sleep on an empty stomach. Man no B-school would teach you this kinda resource optimization. Hats of these smiling assassins!!

Recently we had a fire drill in office, another nerdy and futile exercise. Imagine volunteers laughing and shouting "Fire, fire". Hard not to mutter curses on being disturbed in middle of some important assignment. Reluctantly goaded myself out of the building and only just about managed to overcome the temptation to whack the guy on his head. I understand that it is important and for our own security. But dont make it a big joke.

The drill incharge was another joker among the pack. The nutter was shouting "Run, Run" over the loudspeaker. Run where?? the city is 25 kms away. Never knew job profile also included being a marathon runner. Though it stuck me that if ever a fire happens I will run to the canteen and throw the canteen guys in the fire.

As they say in every tragedy there is an opportunity...


Signing off for now,

Shubham