"Telemarketer" Salvation

I hate telemarketers. And I hate them from the very core of my heart.

Can someone please tell them that I can hardly manage to pay my current credit card bills let alone afford a new one!! My boss won’t give me an off to go on your promised “grand vacation” and since I am anyways destined to be one day hanged for murdering a telemarketer, my family won’t be able to claim the insurance. But still these nosy bastard will keep bombarding me with all bizarre offerings. Credit cards, Insurance, Demat accounts, Vacation plans. They have it all. Politely declining their offerings doesn’t work. Come to think of it even being angry doesn’t work. Disconnecting calls, shouting, abusing, pleading, begging – to no avail. These guys have some balls!! Once when I told a caller that I do not want a loan, the lady on the line had the audacity to ask “Why sir??”. Damn you. I don’t need to give you reasons.

So one day after the umpteenth time of shouting at them and banging the phone I was close to a nervous wreck. But these rascals will keep badgering me with their calls. The now dreaded phone would ring frequently. Exasperated I would pick up the call. Will this never end?? Am I destined to suffer a painful existence??

But when pushed to the wall a man fights back. And fight back I did. The next time the call came I was prepared with some stuff of my own.

Asshole 1: (Blabbers something in Tamil)

Me: (Tamil Teriyaar)- Meaning I don’t know Tamil

Asshole 1: Sir I am calling from ICICI Bank. You have been shortlisted for a preapproved loan at 15 percent interest

Me: I work with HDFC. We will offer a loan at 12 percent interest. Are you interested?

Asshole 1: Er..emm…is this Shubham Bhardwaj??

Me: No this is Rajnikant

Asshole 1 hangs up.

Phone rings again:

Asshole 2: (rand…sheri...ille)

Me: (Tamil Teriyaar)

Asshole 2: Sir I am calling from Birla Sunlife insurance. Are you interested in a Health insurance?

Me: My pet dog is not keeping well. Can you insure him?

Asshole 2: Ummm…we insure only human beings.

Me: Ohhh…does it cover treatment for lunacy?

Asshole 2 hangs up.

Phone rings again. There is a lady on line

Asshole 3: (saaaar….solunga…)

Me: (Tamil Teriyaar)

Asshole 3: A very good afternoon sir. I am calling from Country Club. We are offering a special tour for 2 for Singapore.

Me: I am single. Will you join me for the tour?

Asshole 3: (Porikki) – Rowdy

Me: (Poya)- Bhag be

Asshole 3 hangs up.

Suddenly such calls are a lot more fun.

Life is good.

Over & Out,

Shubham